Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
