Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
