a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
she told me i tasted like america
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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