If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
