i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
