you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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