By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
