He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
