I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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