There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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