I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
