i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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