i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
