Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
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Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize