We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
