I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
