Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
