Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
