My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
