The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
