Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm like, not good at living.
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