Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He shit in the fireplace
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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