I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
