Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
