last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
