If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
