I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
