uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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