Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
