i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
