I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
