is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
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we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
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So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.