i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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