Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats