She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
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Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.