I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
