So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
