M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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