You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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