Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
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if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
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I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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