Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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