Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
