It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
