I don't usually arrange sex via text message
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
