I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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