very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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