Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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