my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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