just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
