I think im going to throw up on grandma
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My breasts were aching with rage.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
