How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
