Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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