What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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