I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
