I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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