I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
