I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
