I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
