i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
