There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
