I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
