New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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